Restless Soul

Restlessness envelopes my heart today. It's that overwhelming fire inside me wanting to flame up but at the same time altogether repressed because of doubt. Maybe I felt insecure that a lot of people my age has accomplished so much and has started chasing their dreams already. I do not say that I hate where I am right now... but I wouldn't say I'm happy either. Get the feeling that you ought to be doing something more significant than what you're doing right now but completely helpless to find out what that is? That's exactly what I'm feeling. I'm trusting the Lord to put me where He wants me to be. His plan is always better than our plan. SO with all my heart, I trust Him.

empire

You just know a movie touches your heartstrings when it touches your soul in a very personal way. It makes you laugh or cry and grips to your heart unlike any other.

Empire of the sun is my favorite movie. Show me a few minutes of it and my emotions would well up in an instant. I would not make a review because it just won't do any justice on how majestic the film was and the story it's trying to tell. I have this strange affinity with coming of age films, as Empire of the sun is about the loss of childhood innocence. Jim, the boy hero has witnessed the onslaught of war and the scars it inflicted in his life as he was separated to his parents and survive on his own - despite the luxuriant life he once had. But despite all of these, his boyish heart infects everyone around him with the magic of goodness. This is sometimes painful to watch, but it also moves me profoundly, touching the longing we all feel for our own lost childhoods.

rain rain

I hated summers. Maybe because I never really had a real one. When I was little, I used to attend summer clinics. So even in summer, I still study... never had time to bum around and do nothing... I was always doing something. Add the sweltering heat and you got a grumpy little kid in me. Come to think of it, I never had even one good summer story that I can share...

But this summer was a sweet relief, it has been particularly the most special for me by far. A 360-degree turn on my life. I would never look at summers the same way again.

middle-child syndrome

I just realized today how much I've not changed over the past 19 years of my existence. I'm still the reserved, introverted middle kid who has been so seemingly indifferent to everything. Last week was a huge emotional setback that I so reluctantly faced. I have felt that need to bring out the happy mask yet again to disguise that deep splinter in my heart - It's easier to smile than to explain to people who won't understand anyway.

As a middle kid, I acquired that take-it-or-leave-it attitude that some say middle-kids have been so notorious for. When I feel unwanted, I just quietly withdraw myself and just silently take my way out. I was never the one to make efforts to redeem myself or vindicate myself over doing something spectacular or astounding. It's not the it's-your-loss-not-mine snooty kind of mentality, actually it's quite the opposite. I feel more of sadness and dishearten that if I feel not being liked, I'll just stay away to lighten their burdens a bit.

Last week I also learned that it's much harder to pull a smile when you feel your face is pulling down. It's like there's a huge wave of downcast enveloping your soul. I've always had a sly face to cover everything but somehow, I never knew how to battle sadness of being unwanted.

and of course, to add more melodrama, Federer lost to Nadal... *sighs

conceited intoxications

the sad thing about being on top is that there's nowhere to go but down...
If you're happy - make that extremely happy, sadness is probably looming somewhere in the corner ready to pounce and devour every lick of life coursing through you
Boy, was I so intoxicated with happiness I never knew what melancholy is.

why feel that unparalleled sublimity only to be pushed rock bottom after? I wonder...